


Love All Over

by Baamon5evr



Series: Red With Spots All Over [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Awesome Gabe Jones, Awesome Peggy Carter, Awesome Sam Wilson, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Body Dysmorphia, Canon Temporary Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everybody Feels, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Bucky Barnes, Insecure Steve Rogers, M/M, Maria Hill Feels, Multi, Natasha Feels, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Polyamory, Soulmate AU, Steve Feels, Steve Rogers-centric, Steve ship fest, half-Mexican Maria Hill, insecure Maria Hill, internalized ableism, mentions of domestic abuse, mentions of internalized racism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 14:14:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3939874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers was no stranger to soulmate marks. It wasn't that he had no soul marks at all, no that was Bucky's cross to bear, his problem was that he had not one mark but two.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love All Over

**Author's Note:**

> This was a monster to write and it wasn't even meant to be this long or turn into a series but I had to cut it off before the Maria/Sam/Steve could really take off. I'll pick that up in the next installment, explain some more about Natasha's characterization (specifically her stance on love), bring more of Maria's backstory into it (my version of it anyway). I'll bring more of Buckynat and the Winter Soldier/HYDRA incidents into the third or fourth installment. I'll probably divert from the movie for it.

Steve Rogers was no stranger to soulmate marks. It seemed like everywhere he turned people were finding their soulmates, even during the Depression. Apparently that had made it bearable for some people, knowing that God or whatever divine being they believed in saw their pain and rewarded them with someone to carry it with them. Steve's aunt had found her soulmate after 45 years of waiting so he knew that it was out there but the difference was he was fairly certain there would be no running into the sunset for him. It wasn't that he had no soul marks at all, no that was Bucky's cross to bear, his problem was that he had not one mark but two.

Bucky saw no problem with this. ( ** _"Least you got a soulmate at all, punk."_** ) Steve wasn't sure what to make of Bucky's predicament. On one hand sometimes he'd see him eyeing places on his body like he was searching for something, like he could make a mark appear through sheer force of will. Other times he would brag about there being a certain freedom in not waiting around and so he'd hoard as much dates as he could dragging Steve along. ( _ **"Hey, ya never know."**_ )

Steve himself though really didn't want to know. What use was he anyway? Him with his laundry list of chronic illnesses, what use was he to not one but two people who deserved better than him? Never mind that having two soul marks was rare in and of itself. How would it work anyway? Would they be sharing him? (That idea did not appeal to him very much.) Would they all be together, his soulmates having their own separate marks? He didn't really care for the answers, there were people laying down their lives in a war he just felt he had to be in. He needed to be in the fray, he needed to fight too.

He needed to do this for Mrs. Schultz who would slip Steve extra meat and fresh baguettes whenever he was at her husband's butchery, whose Jewish temple was defaced with swastikas recently. He needed to do this for Mike Shizuma who brought him mountains of blankets and tea bags that his mother made in winter because they knew Steve needed them and would never ask, Mike whose family was dragged to an internment camp after Pearl Harbor. He needed to do it for himself because Bucky was right, he did have something to prove. He had to prove to himself that he was worth it. If he could make it through this war then maybe he wasn't going to be two people's burden, maybe then he could be worthy of his soulmates.

Meeting Erskine was a godsend, meeting Peggy Carter though completely threw him off kilter.

She was strong, smart, charming, she was a natural born leader and walked with an air of authority that he couldn't help but admire. When she punched that mouthy recruit he knew this was different than simple attraction and he had a sinking feeling he knew what it was.

**~*~*~**

Steve's soul marks were not visible in the way others' were. His mother's had been on her cheek, an abnormally shaped pale pink circle that matched his father's (or so he'd been told). Steve's were much easier to conceal. He had one on his back right shoulder, just two brown circles perhaps an inch apart, and the other was on his inner thigh, a long dark brown line an inch across and two inches long (or that's what his mother had said, Steve was colorblind and couldn't tell the colors though the one on his thigh was much darker.) The location of his marks meant he wouldn't be very good at spotting his soulmates' marks but he did try. He and Peggy worked close in Camp Lehigh afterall so he would try to spot the marks on her shoulder (because usually when marks were of a darker hue on a person with fairer skin their soulmate was usually darker skinned so he figured the one on his thigh didn't have to do with her so much as his other intended) but it was hard to see if she was marked when she was always in uniform. He figured the same could be said for him but still whenever they were together he found himself adjusting his shirt so his shoulder was covered. It wasn't that he was running from her, he just wanted to wait until he was better. Then he would be worthy of her and the other. He wasn't as stealthy as he thought.

He and Erskine just got done talking about the serum and about Steve being a good man when this was all said and done. Steve wasn't sure he was as good as Erskine thought he was but he wanted to live up to his expectations. He went outside to breathe. The liquor he drank made his stomach feel warm and his cheeks felt like they were in a permanent state of blushing. Breathing in the dirt filled air wasn't fun but this time tomorrow he'd breathe in air with lungs that could actually take it in, he'd see the world in color instead of perpetual gray, he'd be able to run and fight and be worth Peggy's time. He was so distracted by the prospect of his new life after tomorrow that he didn't notice his shirt hanging off his right shoulder exposing his mark and he didn't notice anyone coming up behind him.

"I knew it." He heard. He looked over his shoulder and saw Peggy's eyes glued to his soul mark. His own eyes widened and he turned around to face her nervously while fixing his shirt.

"Peggy..."

"I knew it! I felt it. Didn't you feel it too?" She said with clear excitement and he noticed some satisfaction as well, probably from being proven right.

"Peggy..." He repeated, he wasn't sure what to say so he shook his head. Her smile slowly waned.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"I... I did feel it but I didn't want... I just wanted... I wanted to be better, I want this to work and I want to be someone who deserves you and this isn't the body of someone who deserves you. I..."

"Steve, stop." She stepped closer but he stepped back.

"Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be better. Tomorrow." He said it with a promise in his voice but she shook her head and stepped closer to him until she was invading his space.

"I don't care that you're not 6 feet tall Steve, I don't care about how you're not like most men. I like you better for it, I like you because you're stronger than you realize, I like you because of the way you stand up for people both smaller and bigger than yourself against people much larger. I like you for what's in your heart and I happen to be quite fond of what's on the outside as well I'll have you know." She said with a mischievous smile while her fingers grazed over his chest. He was fairly certain his cheeks were blazing even redder.

"Tomorrow will change how you look but it shouldn't change who you are and it definitely shouldn't make our relationship more worthwhile. I like you Steve, and I'll like you even if tomorrow's procedure doesn't go as planned. It won't change your soul and your soul is beautiful." Steve looked up at Peggy and no those were not tears in his eyes, okay maybe they were but no one ever said anything like that to him before other than his mother and Bucky and they were family so it didn't really count. He couldn't really say anything to that so he just stared at her. She brought her hand up to his cheek, he didn't notice a tear fell until she wiped it away, she started leaning in and he felt his heart quickening as his mind worked feverishly. He'd kissed people before but Peggy was different, she was his soulmate and he had no idea how it would feel when she kissed him. She kept leaning in until her lips were pressed to his and all of a sudden it was like the fireworks from the World Fair were going off in his chest, it was like riding the Cyclone at Coney Island.

There was a split second before the nausea hit that he felt like he was flying, the whipping wind blowing his worries away and taking him out of the grief his mother's death put him in. Peggy was the wind blowing his mind free of his insecurities and he felt himself kissing her back as she tilted her head to deepen the kiss. Her hand slid up his right arm and over his shoulder until it brushed against his soul mark and the warmth that suddenly enveloped his body was a totally new sensation. He felt more at peace than he had in a long time, peace he only remembered feeling as a child when his mother came home from work with soul food she'd gotten from the fellow maid who worked at a mansion his mother cleaned. They'd lay down in bed together, their stomachs full with leftovers to last a week and they'd wrapped their arms around each other. His mother half-joked that maybe Steve was her soulmate after all even after his marks appeared and that always made him feel undoubtedly loved. Once he was old enough to realize he was seen as a liability to the world he never quite felt that sense of peace again but kissing Peggy? Well, it was the bee's knees. He moved his hand to where he thought her mark was and was rewarded with a shiver while her tongue sought out his. He let her explore his mouth until finally she slowly pulled her lips from his. Air painfully rushed back into his lungs but it wasn't as painful as he expected. He opened his eyes and they met hers and boy did they look gorgeous up close like this.

"I want you to know how that feels before you undergo your changes, I want you to know how that feels and I want you to know that this body is perfectly capable of love, Steve." He shook his head and stared wonderingly at her. Why the hell did he run from her? What did he do to deserve her? He found himself leaning in to kiss her again and it felt just as good as the first time, though he kept this one shorter. She stroked his chin as she pulled away again, moving her hand across his cheek.

"I have one request. I want you to hold me in your arms tonight, I want you to know how that feels, _I_ want to know how that feels."

"My arms aren't very big, Peggy." He said doubtfully, a bit of his insecurity slipping in. She smiled at him.

"Well neither am I Steven, so this should work out just fine." He found himself smiling back at her and yes, he could see this working out well.

**~*~*~**

That night he laid with Peggy in his arms. She took him to her personal quarters, changed into a long nightgown which showed her mark to him, wiped her face free of make up and then laid down before beckoning him over to her. He laid down behind her, not quite sure what to do, but she simply pressed her back to his front and then pulled his arm around her. Once he relaxed into it it felt right and easy and safe. They talked most of the night about their families, their lives back home, their likes and their dislikes, what made them who they were and it flowed seamlessly. They spoke for hours before he noticed it.

"I was always a bit worried. Some of my friends, girls with such potential who could lead a real life and fulfill their dreams, just abandoned it all to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen once they found their soulmate. I just never saw that being me and I was worried that my intended would force that upon me. My parents told me that I shouldn't push myself into a box for anybody, not even my soulmate. I always took that to heart. I suppose you wouldn't understand." Peggy told him in a quiet tone. The room was now dark except for a couple candles Peggy lit.

"No, I get it. Though my experience isn't the same. My marks showed up late. Usually kids get it at 8 and I got mine at 13. Those five years were spent with a lot of people telling me I didn't deserve a soulmate, telling me I was a burden anyway and enough people tell you something you start to believe it even if my best friend would try to punch everyone who said so in the mouth. Ma was havin' none of that. She sat me down and told me 'Forget everyone else, they don't matter. They can't dictate your life, the world is full of bullies and if they knock you down don't ever stay down, don't give 'em that power.' I tried to hold on to that but it was hard even after the marks appeared, especially after Ma died. I wouldn't try to make you something you're not Peggy. I would never bully you that way." She turned in his arms to face him.

"I'm glad it's you, Steven."

"I'm glad it's you, Margaret." She chuckled a little before bringing her left hand up and brushing away his hair from his forehead. That's when he noticed it, the clover shaped mark on her wrist: her second soul mark. He gently took her hand and stroked it with his thumb.

"I didn't want to burden you with too much at once." She said apologetically but not with guilt.

"It's okay, I have two too." She sat up then and he followed her, the candles splashing orange light across their faces.

"Can I see it?" She asked. He was sure he began blushing.

"It's, uh, on my inner thigh." She gestured towards his pants and he let her roll his right pant leg up, thanking God that his pants were so loose and he didn't have to take them off. She managed to reveal the mark and brushed her fingers along the length of it before comparing her clover mark to his.

"They look the same shade." She pointed out.

"I'll take your word for it."

"I always worried that I'd be stuck with two pinheaded men sharing me but perhaps it will be easier than we've let ourselves worry over."

"You think it's a man?"

"Woman's intuition. Would it bother you?" She asked, looking him in the eyes. He thought for a moment and there wasn't really any reason he thought of that bothered him. He noticed men as much as he noticed women, there wasn't much of a difference for him.

"No, I don't have a problem with it."

"Let's just take it one step at a time." She suggested, rolling his pants back down before leaning over, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. She crawled over towards the wooden nightstand and blew out the candles before wrapping herself back in his arms. He kissed her mark getting a sigh of content out of her before they settled down to sleep. He had a big day ahead of him tomorrow after all.

**~*~*~**

The procedure hurt a lot more than he thought it would but he held on to the fact that Peggy had kissed him once more right before he went under in front of all those men who looked at his small form with amusement and Erskine had smiled at him in approval. He was taller than he had expected after the serum did its work and he didn't expect Erskine being shot and killed. It grated at his heart, it felt like losing his mother all over again and he wanted to avenge him but he wasn't sure whether that was something good men did or not.

Later on Peggy held him while he cried after she gave him a talking to about pushing her out of what he thought was harm's way. He didn't get to see Peggy as much after that, he was too busy doing Senator Brandt's bidding, but they sent letters when they could. He knew he was going to meet her at his next gig at an army base but it didn't go as planned. When she told him Bucky's regiment had been captured it wasn't even a question of whether he was going in to get him despite what Captain Phillips said. He was glad Peggy seemed to understand that. He went in for Bucky, he had no intention of finding his second soulmate there but then that was life, wasn't it?

**~*~*~**

It was him, he knew it was. When he had been above the cells and knocked out the guard their eyes met and it felt just like when he first saw Peggy. He gave them the keys and left to find Bucky but his eyes lingered on the man. When he managed to get out of the burning base with Bucky, who was exhausted but alive, the man was there. He and an older soldier ran over to Bucky and happily greeted him.

"Thought you were a goner, man." The man said.

"Thought you knew me better than that Gabe." That was his name, Gabe. Steve wanted to say it, he wanted to check him for marks but it was too dark and they were still miles behind enemy lines and Peggy was waiting so Steve rallied the guys into some sort of order so they could leave and did his best to quell both his excitement and fear at Gabe's presence. He couldn't wait to tell Peggy about this.

**~*~*~**

He just got out from Captain Phillips' office pointing out what bases he could. He was finally in the war, no longer just a chorus girl or an establishment puppet but he could make a difference now and it certainly didn't hurt that Bucky was with him. He had introduced Peggy and Bucky after Bucky got done flirting unsuccessfully with her and Bucky had seemed happy for him but something was off with his behavior. Steve chalked it up to him still being rattled from Zola's experimentation and torture. He tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn't say anything to him. He knew for sure he wasn't as okay as he claimed but he didn't know how to help. He was so lost in his musings that he didn't hear anyone coming around the corner until it was too late. He felt someone run into his chest. He looked up and then down (because he still wasn't used to being taller than most people) and per his luck it was Gabe Jones in front of him -- he wasn't sure if this was a good or bad thing, wasn't sure if he was even ready. He only just got to see Peggy on a daily basis after a few months apart, only just reunited with Bucky and now here was Gabe.

"Well damn, what are you made of? That felt like hitting a brick wall." Gabe said from his spot on the floor. He fell thanks to Steve's ridiculous body.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't watching where I was going. I mean I-- guess I'm not really used to this body yet." Steve said feeling himself growing a little red while helping Gabe up.

"Hey, you're Captain America right? Bet you hated it, huh?"

"Hated what?"

"Being Brandt's show pony."

"Well, it had it's perks. Food was much better. Had to kiss babies a lot but I got used to that after a while. I've gotten proposed to by an alarming amount of women and some men too but hey, I've punched Hitler almost a hundred times so who could blame 'em?" Gabe laughed and Steve felt the mark on his thigh throb a bit.

"I could think of a few other reasons why no one could blame them." Gabe said before his eyes swept over Steve's body. He felt himself turning an even more violent shade of red and tried to stop it because one of the downsides of the serum he found was that he was a full-body blusher now. It was ridiculously embarrassing but apparently he hadn't tried enough because Gabe took one look at him and started full on laughing.

"Man, you look like a tomato." Steve blushed even deeper.

"Does the human body even have that much blood?" Steve ducked his head down in embarrassment.

"Hey, I didn't say it wasn't cute." He peeked up at Gabe through his eyelashes and he was smiling softly at him and his eyes just held such a sense of knowing that Steve had to ask.

"So you know then?"

"I've heard the first encounter described enough that, yeah, once I saw you I knew." He answered with a shrug.

"Do you... do you have two marks by any chance?" Gabe looked only mildly surprised.

"Yeah. I'm guessing you do too."

"One on my thigh, and one on my back. You?"

"My thigh and my wrist."

"Is the one on your wrist a clover?"

"Yeah and the one on my thigh is just a thick line." Steve smiled and then laughed, his heart felt light and he realized he was happy. Genuinely happy.

"She's here. Your other match. Her name's Peggy. We share a mark on our backs. Me and you share a mark on our thighs and you and her share it on your wrist."

"Well damn. Mama's going keel over once she reads my next letter." Steve and Gabe laughed together. Steve could imagine what his own mother would do. She would reenact the Spanish Inquisition once she met Gabe and Peggy. Which was not to say once Bucky found out about Gabe he wouldn't take both he and Peggy aside and 'make Aunt Sarah real proud' but Bucky wasn't well after Zola. Steve was going to have to talk to him again when he got a chance.

"Do you wanna meet her?"

"Lead the way, Captain Crimson."

"Really?" Steve deadpanned at the nickname.

"Really."

**~*~*~**

It was so different than he had let himself imagine, being with Peggy and Gabe. They fell into each other so easily. They talked about how they felt about being together, having more than one soulmate was rare so they needed to have some kind of discussion. There were three individual relationships involved between the three of them and each deserved to have it's time just for them. They were able to work things out so there were moments where Steve was just with Peggy or just with Gabe or where they were together without him but they also spent a lot of their time all together. They stayed in the same room together. Captain Phillips, in a rare show of favoritism towards Peggy, allowed her a private room where the two men spent most of their nights. It started out very innocent, just holding each other and learning about each other and basking in the peace of each others' presence, then things got more heated.

They just kissed at first. Kissing Peggy still sent that wave of breathlessness through him, still made him feel like he was riding the Cyclone and she was still the wind blowing across his face. Kissing Gabe was so different but not in a bad way. Gabe was strong and solid yet malleable at the same time. His mouth was softer than Peggy's because she had a penchant for biting her lips when she was thinking. He kissed Steve in a way that made his knees wobble and his legs feel like they could crumble from under him. It was like when he and Bucky would ride the elevator in the Empire State Building up and down for hours, when they finally were back on the ground his feet would feel unsure from being suspended over air for so long but he knew he wouldn't fall because Bucky would catch him. Gabe wasn't Bucky, the love he felt for them was different, but he was just as sure that Gabe wouldn't let him fall. He found he enjoyed watching Peggy and Gabe kiss as well. It was just right in a way he didn't know watching two people could be. He remembered double dates with Bucky, he loathed the evenings because Bucky would start necking his date obnoxiously loud but Peggy and Gabe took such care with each other and poured so much of themselves in the kiss that it captivated him. He didn't feel left out, he just felt grateful that he was able to take part in loving them at all.

Then things escalated. Kisses turned to exploration and they mapped each other's bodies, remembering the curves and scars and groves of the other two until they could just tell things about each other even in the pitch dark of night. Where that scar was and how it occurred, where that ticklish spot was, where that sensitive area resided. They became experts on each other. Steve had had sex before, contrary to Bucky's belief. There was a girl, just one. He had met Anita on a double date and they had actually got along. She didn't care about his height because he was the same height as her ( _ **"Just means I don't have to hurt my toes and you don't have to hurt your neck s'all"**_ ). She had been gorgeous. Her skin was a deep sepia and her eyes were a warm brown, her hair was a forest of long springy curls and her smile was crooked and radiant. She was the closest he ever came to opening himself to the possibility of love before he met Peggy. She made the decision to take him to her bed. Her brother had asthma almost as bad as him and her grandmother had these home remedies so whenever he felt his lungs rattling she would press something to his nose and air would rush back in and their bodies would continue to rock together in ecstasy. It had felt amazing, the sensations, the release was unlike anything he'd ever known. He never told Bucky because he wasn't the type to share every single detail about a sexual encounter unlike his friend who could wax poetic about a gal's breasts or write odes to a fella's abs. It was all pointless to Steve but he had never had sex with a guy and honestly only having Anita didn't exactly equip him with that much knowledge on what to do for Peggy let alone Gabe but they were both so patient and helpful. They told him what they liked and what they didn't and talked him through things and guided his hands when they began to flail with his lack of knowledge. They helped him figure out what he liked himself and once they got that down they were able to find a rhythm. They would tangle together in the hard bed after that, a mess of sweaty limbs, but with bodies that were made to slot against one another comfortably so it was okay.

As the days rolled on, everyone just doing their best to live to see another day, he realized that he did love them. If Peggy was the wind than Gabe was the feeling of weightlessness and he loved them both. Not just because divine providence told him he should but because of who they were. He loved Peggy for her strength. She was smart and gorgeous and strong and so brave. She was confident in her abilities but sometimes she doubted herself, doubted her strength and Steve took great strides to always reassure her. He loved Gabe for his humor. He was always making jokes especially when the horrors of war had made Steve shut himself away. Gabe was so intelligent and he tried to understand people and always took the time to talk to and comfort others, whether it was with a joke or a shoulder to lean on or just a sympathetic ear. He would fall in love with them even if they weren't his soulmates but the fact they were made it all so much easier. He often wondered what Steve Rogers from 5 years ago would say if he was able to see himself now. Hell he wondered what him from a year ago would say but ultimately he decided it was better to bask in what was happening in the moment.

In that moment all the Commandos were in one of the local bars in France. They'd taken down another HYDRA base successfully with minimal casualties on their end so it was a good day. The band was playing a fast, jovial song and most of the guys were out on the floor dancing. He saw Bucky dancing with Private Lorraine and all the other Commandos had their own gal or fella. It struck Steve he could be out there, he'd never been much for dancing but he had that option now. Apparently he wasn't the only one that occurred to.

"Come on, Captain Crimson. Night's not getting any younger." Gabe said standing up in front of him.

"We'll both be bags of bones before you ask us to dance, Steven." Peggy added, standing from her seat as well.

"I'm not very good. 'Fraid I'll only step on your toes."

"We'll teach you." Peggy offered.

"Nah, go ahead. Don't let me hold you back."

"We'll get that dance yet Rogers." Gabe promised. Steve chuckled a bit then nodded in reassurance as they hesitated a moment longer then swept towards the dance floor. The band was playing something slower. He watched Gabe and Peggy's fingers intertwine as Gabe rested a hand on her hip and she placed hers on his shoulder. The clovers on their wrists caught the light as they started swaying. They really were a beautiful sight and he continued watching them with a soft smile before his view was blocked by a green clad figure.

"You're not half an idiot, Rogers." Bucky said as he sat next to him and ordered a beer.

"Jealous?" Steve asked with a smirk.

"Hell no. But I will say congratulations again. Those two are a fine pair, good on you getting to have them in your bed every night."

"Technically it's Peggy's bed and you've got Private Lorraine in yours so congrats to you too I guess." Bucky scoffed.

"She's only with me 'cause I'm the closest thing she's gonna get to you. I wasn't kidding when I said I'm becoming you, punk."

"Poor you." Steve said dryly.

"Yeah, poor me." Bucky muttered, circling his finger around the beer mug while his other hand tapped the bar restlessly. Steve recognized it as a tick he got when he was worried about something or overthinking something.

"What's wrong?" He asked with concern, cutting straight to the chase. Bucky was getting better at giving him the run around, especially when it came to his time with Zola and any lasting affects it might have had on him.

"It's... nothing. It's nothing." Bucky mumbled taking a sip of beer. Steve stared at him stubbornly. He wasn't going to back off this time. Bucky took one look at Steve and sighed.

"I thought that medicine cured you of stubborn but apparently not."

"You know me better than that." Bucky sighed again before draining his beer and motioning Steve to follow him. They went outside the tavern and walked a little ways from it. Steve could still see Bucky thanks to a streetlight close to them. His eyebrow shot up a bit as Bucky began undoing his jacket. He pulled his left arm out the sleeve, unbuttoned his dress shirt and pulled his arm from the shirt before holding his shoulder out to Steve. The mark immediately gathered his attention. It was big, no one could miss it on him. It was shaped like a star and had a deep red shade to it that made it look more like a tattoo than a soul mark which was unusual but the way it sat on his skin made what it truly was clear. Steve started to smile then looked up at Bucky and stopped.

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's just... why now? I mean, I'm not looking to rob any cradles Stevie."

"Who says you will be?"

"Why else would it come so late?"

"Maybe circumstances changed and now this person is your soulmate. Maybe they had one before you and they lost them. That's happened before." Steve tried to say as optimistically as he could manage. Bucky looked away, he didn't look entirely convinced.

"This doesn't have to be a bad thing Buck. I know that now. I hated these marks before but being with Peggy and Gabe. I don't think I'd give that up for anything."

"I just need a minute." Bucky muttered. Steve nodded and patted his shoulder before going back inside. Peggy and Gabe were still dancing. Peggy winked at him as she saw him and made him turn bright red, Gabe laughed as he saw him.

"You're going keel over one day Rogers." He called. Steve flipped him the bird before walking over to the bar to make sure the Commandos didn't get too drunk. They had a mission tomorrow to get Zola who, intel indicated, would be on a train in the area. He wanted his team at their best.

**~*~*~**

Steve wasn't sure how much glasses of alcohol he'd had by now but it wasn't enough. He wasn't sure the bar had enough for his new body to be able to block out the feeling of barely brushing Bucky's fingers and then him being gone. He wasn't sure there was enough to block out Bucky's scream as he fell. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to forget him disappearing in the sea of white below him. He had always had Bucky. Even after his mother died, before he found Gabe and Peggy there was always Bucky and in a second, a split second, he was gone. He was supposed to have a life ahead of him. He was supposed to meet his soulmate, he was supposed to walk Becca down the aisle one day and he and Steve were supposed to always be together. Til the end of the line, they were supposed to meet the end together. Steve half wished he let go as soon as Bucky fell but he tightened his grip because he wanted to survive for Peggy and Gabe. He was so selfish and stupid.

He sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his hand while pouring another glass. It tasted like fire but it was a change from the ice that claimed Bucky's life so he welcomed the taste regardless. He heard people enter behind him but he made no indication that he had. He knew who it was by their footsteps, by the tingling of both of his soul marks but he wasn't sure he wanted to say anything to them.

"Bartender said we'd find you here." Gabe said as he and Peggy trapezed through the wreckage of the bar. It was hit during an air raid while they were on the mission.

"Well, here I am." He said in a dull tone, topping his glass up again and taking another sip.

"Here you are. And how long do you plan to stay here?" Peggy asked briskly. Steve felt some anger flare up.

"Bucky was my best friend and now he's dead."

"And drowning yourself in what few liquor bottles remain intact is going to change that, is it?" He didn't answer.

"Zola talked, told us Schmidt's next move. Captain Phillips wanted us to tell you." Gabe said in a tone softer than Peggy's.

"Good. When I find Schmidt he's going to wish he never met me." He vowed, anger in his voice. Dr. Erskine's voice echoed in his head.

'Don't be a perfect soldier. Be a good man.'

He had yet to answer his question, if vengeance was the way of good men, but if being a good man meant Bucky's death went unanswered for then he didn't want to be a good man in this instance. But his question and Erskine's voice echoed again.

'Be a good man.'

Is vengeance the way of good men?

He sighed and drained his glass in one gulp that stoked hellfire in his throat and brimstone in his stomach but he didn't care. Anything but ice. He felt Gabe's calloused hands brush against the back of his neck.

"You do what you have to do." It felt like he was giving him permission. To do what? He still didn't have figured out but something about that made the dam burst and tears broke free from his eyes. Gabe pulled his chair out and hugged him from the front, he felt Peggy drape herself over his back, running her fingers through his hair.

"It's my fault." He said heavily.

"Did you trust your friend? Did you respect him?" Peggy asked.

"Of course."

"Then respect that Sergeant Barnes made his own choice." He nodded but felt so uncertain. Everything was slipping through his fingers. So much death around him, one second he was fighting beside good men and women and the next they were gone. He didn't know if he could keep doing this, he didn't know what he would do if he lost Peggy or Gabe. He didn't know if he could survive it.

**~*~*~**

This was it. He was going to die, it wasn't theoretical, he was doing this. He had been in many situations where he thought he would die, what with growing up with almost every chronic illness known to man but this time he was really going to die. There was no other option, he couldn't let the bombs get to any city. He couldn't let that many people die so he could live, he'd never be able to live with himself. He could hear the tears in Peggy's voice, could hear her quiet acceptance when he said it was his choice and he knew she'd respect that, she'd accept it.

"You promise me you and Gabe will take care of each other?"

"We will."

"Promise?" He implored.

"I promise. Don't worry about us, we'll be fine. Steve? I love you."

"I love you Peggy. You tell Gabe I love him."

"I will." Steve could hear the rushing of water growing closer and closer and he wished Gabe was there too, that he was there with Peggy but maybe it was better he wasn't. It would only make it harder. He could hear Peggy trying to hold back sobs and he didn't want to just leave it at that, he wanted to keep talking to her for as long as he could. He wanted to hold on to her voice, he wanted to make her laugh, he wanted anything but this but this was it.

"You know we never got that dance. Me, you and Gabe."

"We still can." She said, there was something like hope in her voice but he couldn't really decipher it.

"I still don't know how to dance."

"We can teach you, just be there. We'll meet up at the Stork Club, next week at six o'clock." He wouldn't be there, knew he wouldn't but they would be and they'd have each other and they could dance and maybe he'd see Bucky or his mother on the other side and maybe he could dance with them while Peggy and Gabe danced together.

"We'll have the band play something slow." The sound of the airplane's engines spraying against the water was roaring impossibly loud in his ears and he almost couldn't hear himself speak.

"I'd hate to step on your--"

Steve bolted awake in a sweat. He looked around wildly trying to remember where he was. It took a second but it came back.

New York. 2010. The NYC SHIELD head quarters. Alone. He sighed before looking at his analog clock (because he was more comfortable with it than the digital one), it was still the wee hours of the morning but he wasn't going to go back to sleep now, he didn't want to keep dreaming of his last conversation with Peggy like he had every night since he woke up in this strange place and time a month ago. He sat up and walked to the bathroom. He used the toilet and brushed his teeth before he found himself staring in the mirror. He was going to do it again, he knew he was. He turned and stared at the soul mark he shared with Peggy on his back. It wasn't scarred like those whose soulmates had died but instead looked faded, most people could barely see it. It had almost assimilated to his regular skin tone. The soul mark he shared with Gabe was the same. He looked down at his right forearm, there was a new soul mark there. It was dark and in the outline of a bird mid-flight. His eyes shifted to his neck where there was a cone shaped mark.

The weird thing about it on his skin was there were scars and marks that came with it, like whoever he shared this soul mark with had tried to burn it away, they might have tried cutting the skin away altogether like a doctor would dead tissue. The mark obviously withstood the abuse and it struck Steve whoever this person was really wanted nothing to do with him which was fine by him. He didn't want to meet any other preordained soulmates anyway. He couldn't handle it, not when in his head he was with Peggy and Gabe a month prior. He was still just barely acclimating to this time, still dealing with the fact that everyone he loved was dead. Well, almost everyone. Peggy and Gabe weren't dead despite the many years that passed. They were retired and living at some facility in DC. They had lived their lives together and that made him happy, satisfied at the very least. They both worked with the SSR after the war ended then helped create SHIELD, Peggy was even the Director before Fury. She had, in fact, trained him to take over for her which was one of the only reasons he was staying with them. Gabe and Peggy had gotten married and had kids and grandkids and they led productive lives and he'd accepted that and thought it a good thing, he just didn't quite know how to square himself up with the world en large.

He was sure he'd die. He was okay with it because he'd see his mother and Bucky again. Then he woke up in a fake hospital room and Nick Fury was telling him his life ended in 1944 and here he was over sixty years later and he had no idea what to do with himself. He hadn't been to see Peggy and Gabe yet. He didn't even know if they knew about him being back. He goes downstairs to the gym to beat bags to a pulp because what else is he going to do? When Fury propositions him about helping him save the world he doesn't really hesitate because the legacy of Captain America is all he has left now. He never meant for being a soldier to be all he ever was but there were people who needed him now. There were people who needed him then too but he had more to lose then, there were people he loved then and he had lost all of them. Being a soldier was all he could cling to now so if he could save the world he would do it. Of course, because the universe is a cruel place, he meets his third soulmate fairly quickly.

**~*~*~**

There wasn't a whole lot of time for socialization while they were fighting Loki. He wasn't exactly sure what to make of this new life. A demigod, a hulk, Howard's son. It seemed like a fever dream but when it was all over he had nothing else to do and nowhere to go so he takes Fury up on his offer to join SHIELD. He had a feeling there wasn't much choice anyway. He works closely with Natasha Romanoff and the STRIKE team. He isn't much for socializing with agents because they either know more about him than he's comfortable with or they hold false beliefs about him and his history that he'd rather not comment on. He usually tries to just go in for mission debriefs, carry out his missions with Natasha then go home to his apartment. It's a simple life. Uncomplicated. Sometimes he thought of the marks that were faded and looked at the phone before he cowered or he'd look at the new marks and try not to be so angry but that was usually futile.

One thing about his new life that wasn't all bad was Natasha. She had a dry sometimes dark sense of humor that reminded him of Bucky, she was highly skilled at her job and smug about it in a way that reminded him of Peggy, she could read people and situations and diffuse issues seamlessly in a way that reminded him of Gabe and he found it more comforting than he often times wanted to admit. Natasha had seen all his marks at one point or other. She'd stared at the mark on his neck for a long while once before brushing her finger over it. There was no reaction, he already knew he didn't share it with her.

"Interesting." He had shrugged about it.

"Not going to look for them?" She asked.

"Why?"

"Might make all this easier." He scoffed.

"I doubt that. What about you and Barton?"

"Ah, deflection. I'll allow it but no go for Clint and I. Sure, we've had sex. Relieves stress after hard missions. Haven't done it in years though. He's got a soulmate. They were married, divorced a while ago but they'll get it back one of these days when they pull their heads out of their asses. I have drinks with Bobbi every now and then. We compare sexual experiences with Barton. You want in?"

"I'm not very well versed in the topic." He said dryly.

"Mmm. Drinks aren't gonna kill you though." He shrugged but he showed up to the bar and had drinks with her and Bobbi Morse. One night of drinks turns to another night the following week, just him and her. That turns to froyo at the park and ice cream on Sundays. She takes him to a Dodgers game and he enjoys it even though he's still put off they aren't a New York team anymore. He finds himself dangerously close to considering her a friend. She spends a lot of time trying to set him up on dates. ( _ **"Just because you won't look for your soulmates doesn't mean you shouldn't get laid."**_

_**"Stop it."** _

_**"Just saying."** _

_**"Stop saying."** _

_**"Don't go grumpy old man on me. Your heart might not be able to take you getting too excited, Grandpa."** _

_**"Ugh."**_ )

He would be more annoyed with her matchmaking efforts if he wasn't used to it with Bucky honestly.

"What about Tisha?" Natasha asked as they walked together towards the debriefing room one day.

"What about her?"

"She's nice. She thinks you're hot. She'd jump your bones."

"Doesn't she have a girlfriend?"

"Because you're so opposed to threesomes." She deadpanned. He side-eyed her as they walked into the debriefing room. Once they crossed the threshold he slipped into his game face, ready to take on the next mission. As he entered, the table was occupied by Fury, Rumlow, the rest of the STRIKE team and one new face he hadn't seen before. Or at least not in a long while, she looked vaguely familiar, but there was something else. A tingling in the back of his mind that was both familiar and foreign. He furrowed his eyebrows at her and didn't notice he was staring until she raised an eyebrow. He felt compelled to introduce himself then.

"I don't think we've been formerly introduced. Steve Rogers." He said in a neutral polite tone. She eyed him a second before getting up.

"Deputy Director Hill." She said in a tone matching his, though it held an obvious bit of ice to it. She didn't shake his hand and she kept at least two feet between them. Realizing she wasn't going to shake his hand, instead of letting it fall awkwardly as he was about to he snapped it to his forehead in a perfect salute.

"It's nice to meet you, ma'am." She seemed a little surprised. Maybe at his deference to her, maybe at his military greeting. He found it put off a lot of SHIELD agents, they were spies not soldiers. She stared at him a little longer before she slowly and deliberately turned from him and towards Natasha. He did let his arm fall limply now.

"Maria, how was everything in the Playground?" Natasha asked, moving forward and kissing both Hill's cheeks.

"As fun as ever." She said dryly. The three of them moved to sit around the table as Fury called the meeting to order. He briefed them on the mission. They were to move in on a particularly nasty AIM laboratory that was said to be testing some heavy duty genetic experiments on indigenous wildlife in the area. They were to go to the mountains of Colorado to complete the mission. Take what prisoners they could, destroy whatever they found.

"Hill, you're on point for this mission. Rogers, you take the second. Make sure there's nothing left but a burning crater."

The mission overall wasn't very hard. They set up strategic points around the perimeter and did what they were ordered to do. Deputy Director Hill was professional and distant from everyone except Natasha and even with her... affection towards the redhead, she didn't indulge in her banter any more as soon as they had the facility in their sights. He didn't know what to make of her. She seemed so... cold outwardly but there was a battlefield in her eyes and above all he still had the feeling that he knew her or should know her. They were escaping the compound together before the charges Rumlow and the STRIKE team set up went off and leveled the place. Natasha was the one who suggested he and Hill work together. She had that same glint in her eyes she got when she was setting him up with someone at HQ but there was something else. She kept looking at the two with deep interest and something else he'd call fear if he didn't know Nat better. Still her apparent interest in him and Hill was startling if only for the fact that he had no idea what inspired it. He chose to ignore it for the sake of the mission. He and Hill just got outside of the compound, the snow capped mountains stretching out before them. They were mostly silent throughout the mission, only speaking when necessary, but he was starting to find the silence uncomfortable.

"You were great in there." He said. He didn't usually make small talk but what else was he to do? Hill didn't look too interested in what he was saying either way.

"I was doing my job just like anyone else would." She said stiffly.

"Right." He said limply before chuckling under his breath. She had been standoffish since she met him, barely spoke to him, but it wasn't like with Rumlow who she obviously disliked, with Steve she seemed to just genuinely want nothing to do with him and he wasn't sure what he did to garner that response.

"Have I done something to offend you?" He wasn't sure what he could have done in the few short hours they'd been in each other's presence to earn her ire. Then again he had a 70 year legacy he wasn't able to put much input into that might have shaped her opinion of him.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because you act like I have. You seem to want nothing to do with me."

"Don't take it personally, it's just because I genuinely want nothing to do with you."

"Can I have a reason?" He asked. She stopped and turned around to face him.

"You wouldn't understand, Captain." He was about to ask her what he wouldn't understand when he heard something whizzing through the air. He realized a little too late it was a bullet and it was coming in his direction but before he could get hit or at least attempt to raise his shield he was suddenly slammed into. Hill leaped up into his arms, using the momentum to twist his body around so hers was shielding him from danger. He felt her jolt in his arms as she was hit and he quickly dropped to the floor, the fresh snow cushioning the drop a little, and moved the shield to protect them while more bullets flew at them. He heard them pinging off the shield but Hill made no sound, she was a dead weight against his front. She wasn't dead, something inside just told him so even if he couldn't feel her breathing. He held her tight and started dragging them further from the compound towards a jeep that belonged to their targets. He shifted the Deputy Director in his arms so he could lean up and look into the side view mirror in order to assess the danger. The ticking time bomb barely five feet away didn't escape his notice. Neither did the strange sensation holding Hill inspired. It made his neck tingle uncomfortably. He pushed that aside as well as all the other things about Deputy Director Hill simply being that provoked him and focused on the mission. The mission was all he had now.

"Romanoff, Hill's been hit. We're pinned down near the back exit." He said into his comm's link.

"Copy. We're coming."

"No, don't. Anything within a 50 foot radius is as good as gone in the next two minutes. Cap, go into the woods. There's a cave you can hold up in, keep going East and you can’t miss it. Get the hell away from the compound." Rumlow advised.

The snipers were still out there. It would be difficult to cover both himself and Hill. He looked around himself before inspiration struck and he knew what to do. He laid his shield face up on the floor and laid Hill down carefully so her head rested on it before he opened the car door of the jeep and started kicking at the hinges. It took about four good kicks before he was able to pull it off. He gathered Hill back in his arms, strapped the shield high on his back so it covered his head and held the car door in the direction the bullets were coming from before quickly running off into the woods due East. He felt bullets hitting the car door but thankfully none went straight through it and hit him or Hill. Once he felt he was clear of the snipers he threw the car door down and sped up, running so fast the woods blurred around him. He was able to spot the cave Rumlow directed him to and run inside, he went deep enough that if the blast from the base came out this far any disturbed debris wouldn't hurt them but not far enough that he couldn't still have a visual of the entrance. He laid Hill down on the cold ground, once again placing his shield under her head. Something just made him want to take care with her. He took out his small flashlight pen and clicked it on so he could assess her wound. She hadn't regained consciousness yet which concerned him, it'd been about two minutes since she was shot. He pushed aside her collar so he could get to the wound and as soon as he flashed his light along her neck he recoiled back like he'd been stung.

 _No. Not now, don't do this to me. I can't do this right now._ He begged in his head but it wouldn't really change anything.

He crept back over to her and pushed her collar aside and flashed the pen over the mark on her neck. It was the same as his; cone shaped and with the scars and burn marks that were probably her doing more than any divine power's. He felt the urge to brush his fingers against it but refrained, remembering the sensation of Peggy and Gabe touching their shared marks. He couldn't experience that with her, a total stranger, he couldn't experience it with anyone ever again. Not after what he lost. He tore his eyes from the mark and focused on her wound. He found a near exit wound towards her front, the bullet peaking out of her flesh which was good for them both. He went into his pack, preparing to bandage her as much as he could when the cave suddenly began shaking. The base. The charges must have finally went off. Maria groaned as dust and dirt from the cave fell over them but the cave was sturdy enough that it didn't fall or collapse. He looked down at her as she blinked her eyes open, squinting at the light from his flashlight pen. Their eyes met and then he deliberated press a gauze from his pack over the bullet wound near the mutilated mark. She stiffened under his hands but he still said nothing, he didn't even look into her eyes again. He patched her up as best she could before calling to Romanoff over the comms.

"We're good, Widow. Hill's awake and alert. GSW seems to have done minimal damage. We're going to need extraction though." He said in a stiff, professional voice.

"Copy, Cap." She said before speaking.

"Hey, Rogers about you and Hill--"

"Don't." He said, knowing the whole team could hear and not wanting to deal with this now.

"Just get here quickly. The Deputy Director still needs medical attention. Cap out." He didn't look at Hill while they waited or talked to her and she stayed silent as well. They didn't speak while they were extracted or on the plane or for another week after. Then one day they happened to pass each other in a hall and she stopped instead of him.

"I think we can both agree this is not something we want." She said stiffly.

"Yes, we can agree on that much." He was being cold to her and he knew it but that didn't stop him.

"Good. I'm sure we can both be professional about this." She replied before continuing on her way, not waiting for an answer.

But he didn't think he could be professional about it, not after everything he'd lost, so he diverted his path then. He went to Fury and requested to be transferred from the New York base. The STRIKE team was moving to more Washington based operations and he had originally declined transferring, not wanting to leave New York despite the drastic changes, but he needed the change now. He needed to be away from the whole soulmate business and he needed to be away from Maria in particular.

**~*~*~**

Washington was nice enough. He'd never been to the capital before, not even as a propaganda puppet, so it was a little easier to acclimate to than New York was. Most of what he knew about Washington was from books and the big things were still around: the White House, Lincoln's memorial, the Capital building, the Smithsonian museum which had just opened up an exhibition dedicated to Captain America. He wasn't overly fond of all the praise but he could go there and see Bucky, Peggy and Gabe. (He could also go to the residential home where Gabe and Peggy were but that was neither here nor there.)

His life had fallen back into monotony. He would exercise, eat breakfast, work, go home, eat dinner, sleep, rinse, repeat. He didn't hang out with the other agents anymore. Natasha tried but he knew she kept her knowledge of his and Agent Hill's connection a secret. He spurned Natasha's advances at every turn and didn't joke with her anymore. On missions he was perfectly professional and if she tried to bring up Hill he would block her out. It was childish but he didn't care. He had just gotten back from yet another mission, his SHIELD ordered therapist and psychiatrist both thought he was working too much and pushing the boundaries of even his enhanced body. He wasn't worried, he could handle it. He walked up to his room, greeting the pretty blonde nurse that lived next door on his way in before entering. He immediately knew someone was inside. He cautiously took his shield out of his bag and edged his way to the kitchen. He peeked around the corner and sighed angrily before putting the shield against the wall and fully entering the kitchen where Natasha was putting food on a plate.

"I made botanas, they're kinda like tapas. You'll like 'em." She announced.

"What are you doing here?" He asked stoically with barely contained anger. Natasha continued as if he had never spoken.

"Maria taught me. Her grandmother taught her. Did you know Maria is half-Mexican? I go to her abuela's place for Thanksgiving, that woman makes some kick-ass quesadillas, like gourmet style. Passed her cooking chops down to Maria."

"I don't want to talk to you and I especially don't want to talk to you about Deputy Director Hill..."

"A bit formal considering she's your future wife." Natasha muttered, he kept talking and ignored that remark.

"... so you can take your botanas and get out." Natasha placed the plate down before looking at him.

"You don't have to talk, just listen." He huffed a breath of frustration through his nose but she ignored it.

"You and Maria should be together and not just because it was preordained for you but because you both deserve it." Steve continued giving her an icy glare. Natasha sighed in response.

"I'm only going to talk about this once, Rogers, so you better hear me." He furrowed his eyebrows at her suddenly serious yet somber words.

"Do you know why they call me the Black Widow?" Steve shrugged as he sat down, he would briefly entertain Natasha if she wasn't talking about Hill.

"I've heard things, didn't put much stock in it. Figured I'd hear it from your mouth instead." Natasha looked at him with something like gratitude before she spoke again.

"I'm Russian or I was. I was born a lot earlier than people think."

"How early?"

"1926." His eyes widened but she didn't elaborate on that point.

"I fought in the 2nd World War alongside my brothers, all of who died. I didn't have anything after that. I was an 18 year old girl living on the streets. I met my first soulmate while I was homeless. Yelena Belova. She was like me in a lot of ways and that brought some contention into the relationship. We fought a lot, physically almost everyday, but I loved her. I didn't know she was a part of the KGB and was sent to kill me. It was part of the Widow program's graduation, to kill your soulmate. She was highly skilled but I had a fierce will to survive and I fought back. I knew a lot of her moves already and I was able to hold out against her even if I lost in the end but I drew their attention: the KGB. They ordered Yelena to bring me in instead. They took me, trained me, honed me, unmade and remade me, made me a spy instead of a soldier." She paused, he supposed so he could let it all sink in.

"I was placed into the Widow program. We were all Widows but to be a Black Widow meant just that, it was a requirement that we kill our soulmates should we find them. I was the best, I was the Black Widow." Steve could see her regret and remorse over what she had done.

"There were five in total. Yelena was the hardest. She had been a Widow long before me and she beat me before, I thought she was better than me and she was. I admired her, I loved her. I was still a child then. I wanted her to beat me but I wouldn't make it easy, wasn't in my nature. I thought she would win but she was soft on me and I wasn't soft on her and I won. Each time was easier. I didn't think they were worthwhile if they couldn't best me, so their deaths mattered less and less to me over time. The fourth was the easiest. I was so jaded at that point and so engrossed in the cause that I killed Alexei as soon as we were alone." What Natasha was telling him was horrible but there was no point in pointing that out, she already knew that.

"And the fifth? Was killing them harder or easier?"

"Neither, I didn't kill him. He was the only one better than me in the whole KGB. The Winter Soldier. He was the best they had, they said they made him in a monster factory, that he was completely inhuman, that he couldn't feel. It was mostly true but when it was just us Yakov was different. I think he loved me as much as he could and I loved him as much as I could. He never was soft on me when we fought but he could have killed me had he wanted to, he was supposed to do it but he never did. I think that made me want him even more, and I did want him. The childish part of me reveled at being in love with him." Natasha had the softest expression he'd ever seen her wear. She was looking off into space, probably remembering as much as she could about this man. He couldn't help but wonder why he wasn't there now.

"What happened to him?" She snapped out of it, her face losing the softness and her eyes growing haunted before it all faded.

"That's not the point, the point is that having a second chance at having a soulmate doesn't have to be a bad thing. After everything I've done, God or the universe or whatever it is decided that I still deserved a soulmate even at my worse. If I do, then you and Maria deserve it twice over." Steve looked away and then down.

"I don't want to move on. I don't want to let Peggy or Gabe go." He admitted quietly.

"Have you visited them yet?" He shook his head.

"You should." She stood up and kissed his forehead.

"Keep the botanas." He heard her walk out of the apartment. He glanced at the phone before picking it up.

**~*~*~**

He stood outside the door to Peggy and Gabe's room. He had called last night but it was too late to speak to them, he had talked to their grandson Antoine and he had said that they would love to see him as soon as he was ready, even as early as the next day and so here he found himself with a bouquet of flowers balanced in each of his arms.

"I already told them about the call. It's been touch and go this week with Nana's Alzheimer's but she's having a good day today. You can go in when you're ready Captain." Antoine told him, clapping his shoulder.

"Thank you, Antoine."

"No problem, and you can just call me Tripp." Steve nodded, not taking his eyes off the doors and a moment later he felt Tripp walking away. He was nervous, of course he was it'd been 70 years for them and they had gotten used to him not being around but it was not even two years yet for him and they would all probably be in shock at the other. He looked just as young as when they last saw him and they would be living proof of all the years he'd missed out on but he did need to do this, not so he could move on to Maria but because it was tearing his heart apart being away and everyday he felt like his marks faded more and more. Soon they would be scars and he would be too late so he needed to do this. He took a deep breath before he gathered his gall and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" He heard Peggy ask. Her voice was shakier than he'd ever heard it but she still had that tone of authority to it that first drew him in. He almost started crying then and there but he managed to hold it in.

"It's Steve." It was silent on the other end, he almost thought they would refuse him entry and if they did he'd respect it even if it would hurt. Just as he began to feel uncertain Gabe spoke up.

"Well, get in here Captain Crimson."

And just like that all the tension was gone and he started laughing. Seeing them again both hurt and healed. They were so much older, all the years of their lives lived showing in a way Steve didn't understand. He wanted to crush them into hugs but he was gentle because Gabe wasn't as strong and seemed even shorter than he remembered and standing was such a strain on Peggy. They laughed together and cried and he saw pictures of their wedding and children and grandchildren and the life he missed and it caused more tears but the tales they told him of their lives were so animated and Gabe's teasing was as sharp as ever and it all still clicked into place effortlessly. He got to dance with them at Peggy's request. He held her up on his feet and shuffled around as much as he could with what limited dance skills he had and when she tired he danced with Gabe while she watched, Gabe led and Steve followed and took care not to step on his toes. He could feel the faded marks throbbing with renewed life and it all felt okay even though it was so far from it. Peggy fell asleep a little while into the dance and Steve pulled a blanket over her and kissed her forehead before turning to Gabe who was now sitting in a recliner by the bed.

"This is the longest she's been lucid in a long time." He commented. Steve pulled a chair in front of Gabe and held his hands. They felt wrinkled, calloused and worn in his but still warm.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For making you wait for me, both times."

"We figured it'd take you a while to settle in mentally. The new soul marks didn't help, did they?" Steve looked away. He hoped they hadn't notice. He didn’t want them to feel replaced. Gabe brushed his fingers over the mark on Steve's neck.

"Where's the other mark?" Steve blinked in surprise.

"Come on, Cap. I know one person couldn't handle all the love you have to give. You don't even know the depth of all the love trapped in that meat-head body of yours." Steve smiled wanly at the joke before reluctantly pulling up his sleeve and revealing the second mark. Gabe didn't ask about the ones shared between them and Peggy he just stared wistfully at the new marks Steve had accrued. He felt awkward in the silence though something told him Gabe didn't feel the same.

"I met one of them." He informed lamely.

“How did it go?” Gabe asked and there was light in his eyes and hope and it was for Steve being with someone else. He couldn't look at that so he stood and walked a few paces away from him.

"How do you think? I don't want any more to do with her as she does with me."

"Why?"

"Why?" He repeated incredulously.

"Because I can't do that again. I know it was 70 years for you but it was only two years for me. Two years since I lost you and Peggy, two years since Bucky died, two years since _I_ died. How can I just be with someone else I don't even know?"

"You didn't know us at first." Steve turned around.

"I don't want to know anyone else. I love you and Peggy and I was supposed to be there but I left you, that was my choice and now I have to deal with it but I can't be with her or them. It's not fair."

"Fair to who? Me and Peg? You did what was right to protect people, if you hadn't you would have never forgiven yourself and you know it. You told us to take care of each other and we did, still are. Is it so wrong that we want to know there are people taking care of you too?" Steve looked away but quickly looked back at Gabe as he started coughing. He grabbed a cup of water and kneeled before him, placing it in his hands. Gabe took a shaky sip before looking Steve in the eye.

"We're not going to let you waste time being bogged down by us."

"You aren't a waste of time, you could never be."

"Steve, you have a second chance. Those are rare nowadays, don't waste it on account of us. Promise me." He didn't want to answer because he didn't want to think he would ever break a promise to Gabe but he couldn't deny him this.

"I promise." He laid his head on Gabe's shoulder and he sincerely hoped he could keep that promise.

**~*~*~**

It wasn't easy at first but he tried to keep his promise. He started to go out with Natasha more, he spoke to the other agents more, he tried to acclimate more to modern technology, he kept a list of things to catch up on and he still visited Gabe and Peggy but he hadn't seen Hill again. They weren't put on missions together and he wasn't really seeking them out but wouldn't avoid it if it happened and it did six months after their last exchange. He was sent in to extract her after an undercover mission of hers had gone south. They sent him in alone and he was fine with it. Getting into the place where Hill was being held was embarrassingly easy, security was disgustingly lax here. He managed to fight his way into the place, grab Hill and exit before they could even do much of anything. She had been unconscious when he found her and she remained that way for about an hour. He would feel more concerned if he couldn’t hear her breathing. It was a little rattled, he thought she might have a broken rib or two but nothing life threatening. He was cruising down a dark lonely road when she started groaning beside him. He glanced over at her but quickly settled his eyes back on the road.

“What the hell?” She groaned.

“Welcome back.” He said dryly.

“Why are you here?” She asked, he could hear the hostility in her voice but chose to ignore it.

“You needed to be extracted, Fury sent me. We’re going to meet the rest of the extraction team a couple towns over.” Hill didn’t say anything, she opened the glove compartment before her, holding her side gingerly as she started rummaging around. She bent below the compartment and looked around there too.

“What do you need?” She wouldn’t answer him, just kept looking.

“What are you looking for? I can probably help you.”

“I don’t need your help.” Steve sighed heavily.

“Look, we’re going to be stuck in this car for a little while. It’d help if we could be civil and actually talk like adults.”

“Really? Like you were _so_ mature when you decided to transfer to Washington. You know what? I don’t care. I’m glad you left, it was better for all of us. Just drive faster, the sooner I’m out of this car the better.” She said. Steve shook his head and he could’ve stayed silent, he should’ve really but he promised that he’d try so he pulled the car over to the shoulder and turned the engine off.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Look, I didn’t want this any more than you apparently did. I had a life before this, I had soulmates, people I loved more than anything, I had people I wanted to live the rest of my life with but you don’t always get what you want. Now something has decided that we’re supposed to be… soulmates, us and the other one. We don’t have to if you don’t want to but I promised someone I loved that I would try, that I would be better. If you don’t want this then I will respect that but I’d like it if we could be something other than just people who hate each other because of being in a situation that neither of us ever wanted to be in.”

“So what? You want to be _friends_? Is that it?” She asked incredulously.

“If you’re not opposed to it I wouldn’t have a problem with it.” She stared at him silently for a moment.

“Is there any water in this damn car?”

“In the pocket, behind the seat.” She grabbed the water bottle and took a long sip of it.

“I’m not making any grand speeches, Rogers. Drive the car.” He started it up and took down the highway.

“You can call me Maria. Only my friends call me Maria.”

“Alright Maria.”

**~*~*~**

Being friends with Maria wasn't so different to being friends with Natasha. He and Maria started going on more missions together and found they worked well together. Her eye for detail along with his skills as a tactician complimented one another seamlessly. He learned that Maria had a dry wit, once she got comfortable she teased him mercilessly, she was an undeniable good leader and good at her job but she had a professionalism he was previously unaware was humanly possible. She was completely loyal to Fury and believed in SHIELD's work wholeheartedly which could be a bone of contention between them but they usually respected the other's opinions. It was so easy to forget about the mark they shared but they would be laughing and then they'd see it and things would get awkward. They avoided talking about it. When they were out with Natasha, Bobbi and Clint ignoring the truth was an unspoken rule. But they had moved past it.

One thing about Maria he didn't understand was her pushing him to date others. He didn't really understand her motivation, he couldn't be with her in that moment but that didn't mean he wanted to disrespect her by dating someone else. Maria was always quick to point out that he had another soulmate he should be looking for but if he wasn't comfortable dating Maria he doubted he would be with someone else. He did agree to go on some dates if only to stop the combined nagging of her and Natasha. They were fine dates, the people were fine people but he couldn't help but compare them to Peggy and Gabe and even Maria and come up short. She would tease him about every failed date just because she could.

"You're so high maintenance, old man." Maria said, sipping on her hot chocolate as they were sitting on a bench in Central Park. His last mission required that he go back to New York. He would fly back to Washington the next day.

"I don't think anything would've prepared me for Lillian. She was... very handsy. I will say this, she could do some neat tricks with that lip piercing." He commented, sipping on his own hot chocolate.

"Get very close to it?"

"No and I don't think I'm getting close to it or anything else in the future."

"Come on, Rogers. You're a brick house, a delicious Dorito. You should share the wealth."

"Delicious Dorito?"

"Hell yeah." Steve shook his head and chuckled before taking another sip of the warming beverage.

"You've been spending too much time with Natasha."

"Seriously though you should be out there looking for your soulmate."

"The one who's not you, you mean?" Maria looked away.

"Thought we had an agreement where that was concerned."

"We do and I'm not asking you to breach it, I just want to understand."

"Understand what?"

"Why are you pushing me to date other people? Why are you trying to make me find this other soulmate, whose probably your soulmate too even though you won't show me your second mark, when you don't want anything to do with us?" Maria sighed before looking at him.

"I don't like making speeches or to monologue. You want the truth? Here's the facts. My parents were soulmates and their relationship was shit. He was a racist, sexist woman beater. He hated everything about my mother: he hated that she was Mexican, he hated her voice because she had an accent, he hated that she was so sweet and loving that everyone, even people in his fucked up family, loved her. He hated her but he didn't want anyone else to have her. He was controlling and degrading and he beat her at the slightest provocation. She couldn't win with him no matter what she did and I... I loved him. He treated me like a princess, I got whatever I wanted. All the love and attention in the world, I barely noticed that he was keeping my mother and I apart with all the attention he showed me. Stupid kid I was, I would rub it in my older brothers' faces. I thought I was his favorite because I was the only girl and it wasn't until my sister was born that I realized why. I took after him in looks. I was lighter than my mom and my siblings and I had his blue eyes, I could pass for pure white. At first I didn't care and I hated my Mexican heritage for a long time but the day this mark I share with you appeared the first person I told was my mother. She was happy for me but terrified too, I could tell. She still hugged me and fantasized about the future with me. That was the most time we spent together in a long time." Maria paused with a soft smile on her face before it faded.

"And then my father walked in and started yelling for her to get her dirty hands off me and shouting all kinds of slurs at her and then he beat her in front of me. She was my mother and I just stood there. I was weak, I couldn't protect her. My brother called the cops. My father beat her so badly she was barely breathing by the time the ambulance got there. I blamed myself and our Mexican heritage and the mark, everything but my father because I still _loved_ him more than anything. I tried to get rid of the mark that night, tried to cut it off but it was on every layer of skin I cut through. Then I tried burning it off and that did nothing but rack up a medical bill. I never fessed up to it but the doctors knew I did it on purpose. Probably thought I was taking what happened to my mother badly. Truthfully? I was more worried if my father would be in trouble." Steve sat and stared, not quite sure what to say. Somehow Natasha's story of killing off the majority of her soulmates was easier to digest than this was.

"What happened to your mother?"

"She was in a coma for about a week. When she got out of the hospital we went to live with my abuela but after a while she went back to him and I never understood why. He ended up killing her eventually, he died in prison a few years back." Steve reached out to Maria's face and wiped away an errant tear with his finger. She looked over at him, her shiny eyes filled with self-deprecation.

"I told you I don't like to monologue or make speeches. That's what this mark does, it makes you do things you don't want to do."

"It doesn't have to. You don't really think I'm anything like your father, do you?" Maria looked at him searchingly before looking away.

"Nah, you're one of good ones Rogers. That's why this can't happen. You deserve better and I'm a disaster all on my own. No need to drag you into it." Maria stood up, leaned down and kissed his cheek causing a flutter in his chest.

"Go back to Washington and find your soulmate. The kind you really deserve." She said before she turned to walk away. As he watched her leave there was an aching in his chest. An aching he hadn't felt since... well since...

 _I need to go back to Washington._ He decided immediately.

He needed to go back before he got in any deeper than he already am.

**~*~*~**

Perhaps fate was throwing him a bone because almost as soon as he goes back to Washington he gets a call from Hill telling him to keep contact nil because she was going into deep cover which was just as well because Steve was doing exactly what he said he wouldn't, he was falling for Maria and the worst part was that it wasn't hard (once you got past her outer armor and the ten layers under that of course). She was steel through and through but even steel needed love and at her core there was a vulnerable human who was a little messy and wounded and damaged and afraid but she was beautiful still, cracks and all, and he was the idiot who couldn't adhere to a simple stipulation: that they stay only ever friends, something he suggested in the first place. Case in point for why he was an idiot.

Maybe the distance and time would do him good. Maybe he'd get over the momentary laspe in feeling. The universe had to give him a break. Or not because it's not even two weeks later he's confronted with Sam Wilson.

He had seen Sam running around the mall a week before approaching him. He hadn't gone on a date since he left New York that night with Maria, hadn't so much as looked at another person but the man immediately captured his attention. He was a fine looking man, he mostly wore sweatshirts but one day he wore a tank top and Steve could see his biceps dripping sweat, his strong back. Yes he was a fine looking man but Steve was reluctant to approach for multiple reasons. He still had whatever feelings he'd barely sorted through for Maria, he still loved Gabe and Peggy and that would never go away, he didn't think he could do a one night stand or just casual sex because he'd probably fall in love like a idiot (once again, case in point: Maria), he was seen more as Captain America than Steve and the man would probably be more interested in that. Of course he'd know if he approached him which Natasha happily reminded him every time she popped up randomly.

"I thought you wanted me with Hill." He pointed out.

"You have two soulmates and I already know Hill's the one holding up progress now."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning you fooled around and fell in love or you're falling." He didn't bother denying it or pointing out that he understood that reference, deciding to pick his battles wisely.

"I'm working on Hill, don't fret over that. You worry about the hot running man. His name's Samuel Wilson by the way."

"You ran a background check on him?"

"Of course, I'm not just going to push you towards a stranger. He's ex-military, working at the VA nowadays. You could drop by, cozy up to him."

"Not what those are for." He rolled his eyes but he did eventually approach Sam. Sam was, in a word, sunshine. He got Steve's attention if nothing else the second he opened his mouth. It got rocky when he brought up the defrosting thing but Sam reeled him back expertly. He ends up inviting him to the VA, to help him impress a girl, but still.

He contemplated what he would do. Should he go and pursue Sam despite all his issues? He knew now that he could fall for someone, he fell for Maria but a part of him still felt like he was betraying Peggy and Gabe despite their protests. Yet his heart was so tired of the pain and ache of having lost so much and pushing everything he could have away with both hands. He couldn't be with Peggy and Gabe now even though he would if they wanted that, he couldn't be with Maria because it wasn't what she wanted and he would respect that until she said otherwise, he had another soulmate out there but Sam was there now and Steve wanted to know what could happen, he wanted to live before he missed out on his chance again.

With that in mind he decides to go to the VA the next day. Listening to the session he realized Sam was a hero, he could save people with his words no shield required. Sam was cool, so honest and open in a way that just drew Steve even closer to him. Sam tells him about losing his wingman Riley and he thinks of Bucky in that moment. It was still hard thinking of him, he would probably never not be angry about his fate but he'd managed to accept it as much as one could. Sam teases him about what he could do with his life if he got out. Ultimate fighting actually didn’t sound that bad now that he thought of it.

“What makes you happy?”

“I-I don’t know.” Peggy and Gabe made him happy but thinking about them too long and all he missed out on quickly turned that happiness bittersweet. Maria had made him happy but thinking about her resulted much to the same as Peggy and Gabe. Bucky had made him happy but now thinking of him brought anger. His mother had made him happy but losing her was a hole of grief he’d rather not dwell in. Natasha made him happy but not enough that it lasted very long. And Avenging? Fighting battles for a living? That never made him happy, never once.

“Come on, don’t be shy. You can tell me.” Sam goaded.

“I really don’t know.” Steve expected him to look at him with pity but he just nodded as if he understood without Steve having to explain anything further. Maybe that was what prompted him to make the extra push.

“So I may not know what makes me happy but I do have a list of things that I want to try to catch up on and one of those things is Thai food. I noticed a restaurant not too far away. If you’re not doing anything for the rest of the day I could, I don’t know, use someone to guide me through it.” Sam smiled wide again, sunshine beaming out of his face causing Steve to have to force himself not to do something embarrassing.

“Is Captain America asking me out on a lunch date?”

“No, well yes, well I’m not trying to be presumptuous or anything if you don’t like men or… well I like men. I mean I like women too which everyone probably already knows but I was… you’re a good looking guy and I’m a… anyway I just wanted to know if you were hungry because I’m hungry too and I thought maybe Thai food and I can’t stop talking. I really, really wish I could just shut up but for some reason I can’t and I—oh god.” Steve covered his face with his hands as a blush swept over his body, Sam was leaning against the wall laughing hard.

“Oh man, you’re such a dork. You’re lucky dorks happen to be my weakness. You’re also lucky that was my last session for the day. I could go for Thai food.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They went to the restaurant together. Thai food was certainly something Steve would take in moderation, he didn’t particularly like spicy food but Sam enjoyed it. Maria was the one who suggested Thai food to him. He wondered if she did it as a joke or because she genuinely liked it. He could tell her his experience next he saw her, whenever that was. After they finished eating, he and Sam aimlessly strolled the streets talking about anything that came to mind. Sam was so easy to talk to, there were no strings or expectations attached and he was open without expecting everyone else to be though he obviously appreciated when Steve opened up to him if only minutely.

Sam was like the sun, there was no other way to describe the way he seemed to approach life and people. He drew them in, it felt like everyone somehow ended up orbiting around him. He joked with the waiters and waitresses at the restaurant and got them to smile, he sent written compliments to the chef, he smiled at people on the street and greeted them if their eyes caught each other, he ran ahead and held doors open for elderly people and made funny faces at crying babies to get them to laugh and then waved off the gratitude of bone-tired mothers before setting to making them smile too. Sam was the kind of person that one encounter with could salvage a horrible day. He was convinced Sam was an actual angel and Steve shouldn’t be anywhere near him, he didn’t need any of his drama touching his life because it inevitably would but he found himself gravitating to Sam still until they saw each other almost every day.

Steve had actually started attended some VA meetings but none where Sam counseled because he figured there was probably a rule against dating, if that's what they were doing, they didn't put a label to it. He actually found that the sessions helped more than his sessions with his SHIELD required therapist and psychologist did. He couldn't really say exactly what he wanted to say, there were some things no one would understand, but in other ways they were things only things only they could understand. They were all soldiers trying to figure out how to be home, only difference was he was still fighting and the more he did the less it felt like he would ever stop.

Sam though, Sam was a breath of fresh air, a respite from all the craziness that came with being Captain America. Sam saw him for him, not for the legend though he didn't shy away from that part of him either. He wondered though, if he should do anything to take it to the next level with Sam. Sam was his friend, a friend he flirted with and went to dinners with and strolled down the street hand-in-hand with but they had never kissed, they'd never been to the others' house, never even hugged. They didn't talk about soul marks, not any Sam might have or any Steve did, they simply were with each other and what they were was nice. Steve didn't want to mess that up, especially when his life was so complicated.

"Hey, I could hear you from the across room you were thinking so loud." Leila joked as all the other vets left the art therapy session. Leila Taylor was a nice woman and a good acquaintance if not friend. She was a tall Indian woman who looked younger than Steve despite being 32. She was also Sam's best friend and Steve's trainer. After a month of coming to sessions, Steve had been looking into getting a job at the VA as an art therapist, something Fury actually encouraged him to do. ( **"You should have something to do outside of this. Say hello to your friend Sam for me. I'll give him the shovel talk once you start dating officially."** )

Steve had rolled his eyes then at Natasha's inability to keep his private life private but he had let that go. He was now shadowing Leila, the woman at the front desk who Steve was meant to impress and he had. Sam was very pleased to have one-upped Leila who had apparently recently managed to get President Ellis to come to the VA.

( **You're a lot better than him! Damn you, Sam."**

 **"Better luck next time, Bestie."** )

"Oh it's nothing. Just... thinking."

"Been doing that a lot lately. Might hurt yourself."

"No more than I already have, trust me."

"Wouldn't happen to be about Sam, would it?" Steve looked down and away. Leila started laughing.

"Had a feeling. You get that dopey look on your face when you're thinking about him."

"I do not." He denied, turning red. He totally did and he knew it.

"Well, all I'm going to say is that in all the time I've known him Sam's only had the dopey love sick thing going on for one person. Hint: it's you. Sam's too respectful a person to push until he's sure it's what you want. Hint 2: He won't be sure on his own. For all his bravado, Sammy's human. Doesn't know his own worth. I'm trusting you to change that Cap." There was a warning in Leila's voice, one Steve didn't miss. He nodded in understanding before he and Leila began to hang the paintings to dry, take down the easels and stack the chairs in the corner. As they finished cleaning the room together, engaging in playful banter the whole while, Sam walked in.

"Hey, I just finished my sessions for the day. I was planning on making risotto tonight. You guys game?"

"Not me. Gotta swing by and see the mister, remind him why he hasn't left me yet even though we've barely seen each other in a week." Leila answered.

"Go on and put the moves on him. Make sure he can't walk straight tomorrow." Leila and Sam high-fived at that while Steve stood confused.

"What would you be doing that he couldn't walk straight tomorrow?"

"Oh, I've got tricks and I am very talented with a strap-on." Leila answered, smirking lecherously.

"Don't offend the man's sensibilities, Lei." Sam chastised playfully while Steve turned red.

"You can apologize for me over risotto. Steve was telling me he's got no plans. I'm sure he'd enjoy your home cooking. He's never been to your house before, has he? You could give him the grand tour, maybe even break out some wine." Steve looked down at his feet so he missed the look Sam and Leila shared.

"Anyway, have fun. Sam's risotto is to die for."

Sam's risotto was in fact to die for, then again Sam was a really good cook. He would bring Steve leftovers sometimes for them to eat over lunch and it always tasted heavenly. (" **You can thank my Mama for that if you ever meet her**.") Steve was able to relax with him and not think so hard about what choices he'd made and the ones he had yet to make. After they finished eating Sam broke out the wine as Leila suggested and soon they found themselves caught up talking about old war stories. A lot about their respective wars haunted them but they also had good times with their teams, with the ones they love.

"So there we are two miles behind enemy lines on Thanksgiving day and only surviving off the crap that was in our care packages and somehow there's a transmission that a HYDRA camp close by has turkey and ham with the works, beer and good liquor too along with some corn and mash." Steve said as he and Sam sat together on the living room floor drinking glasses of wine.

"Ooh. I imagine Sergeant Dugan did not take well to that." Sam commented, he always got so engrossed in Steve's stories making it seem like Steve was the only person in the world worth listening to. He knew the Commandos' personalities now just as well as Steve did.

"I believe his exact words were: 'Those sauerkraut sniffers got themselves a traditional Thanksgiving dinner while we're eating stringy jerky and stale chocolate bars with our balls catching frostbite. And that don't sit well with me. No sir, that don't sit well with me at all'." Steve said in an exaggerated southern accent but with a tone close to Dum Dum's. He was rewarded with Sam's wide smile and an extended chuckle.

"So old Timothy decides the most logical and morally correct course of action would be to steal all of their food. 'Course he couldn't do it alone and I flat out refused but somehow he managed to convince Peggy and she convinced Gabe and then he convinced me. I had to convince Bucky and once we were on board Morita, Falsworth and Dernier figured what the hell. I don't think I've ever seen Captain Phillips that red faced before. He was so upset he made me, Gabe and Peggy sleep separately for three days but we got our Thanksgiving dinner."

“You have a lived a hell of a life, old man.”

“Yeah, I have. Almost feels like I’ve lived it enough to last me.”

“But you’re still here.”

“But I’m still here.” Sam cocked his head at Steve.

“You don’t sound like it’s too much of a chore for you to be even though I know there’s things you don’t like about being back in the world.” Sam pointed out. Steve smiled a little, Sam could read him like a book.

“You know when I first woke up and I realized I was 70 years in the future there was barely any time to think too much about what I lost because I was just thrown back into the fight. Fighting an alien army coming out of a wormhole in cohoots with an insane demi-god isn’t nearly the same as fighting supernazis but it was a mission to complete and I didn’t have to focus on me. Then that fight was over, I survived it and then I started thinking about how I lost Bucky, how I lost all the Commandos, how I lost Peggy and Gabe. I didn’t visit them for a long time, I guess I was afraid of what I would see when I looked at them and what they would see when they looked at me. Afraid that maybe they didn’t- didn’t love me anymore.” Steve looked down and Sam put his wine glass down before taking Steve’s and putting it down too and then grabbing his hand. He held it in his encouragingly and it gave Steve the strength to continue.

“That wasn’t the case. As soon as I saw them, I knew they still love me and I still love them. I'll always love them. They were my first true loves, they were the loves of my life then, my first soulmates. They had a whole life together, a good life and they were happy and they want me to be happy. They want me to fall in love and have a good life too. I didn’t think I could do that at first, I was stubbornly against that. So when I met my new soulmate, Maria Hill, it was a little disconcerting.”

“Maria Hill?” Sam asked. Steve looked up at him, there was no judgement in his voice, just silent curiosity.

“She’s… she’s… Maria and I love her. I didn’t plan on it, didn’t even want to. I ran away from her at first, she said we should stay professional and I decided to transfer to DC the next day.” Sam flicked him on the ear for that but said nothing further. That wasn’t Steve’s finest moment but it was one of his most human and Sam always told him despite the enhancements he was human.

“I was the one who suggested that we keep out relationship purely platonic, stay friends and never take it to next level. And I was the one who was an idiot and fell in love with her. A romantic relationship isn’t what she wants. She wants me to be happy too. I'll always love them, I’ll always have a piece of me that’s for them but I… you asked me what makes me happy and lately the only that’s really been making me happy is you. And I know it’s not fair. You have this life that you’ve built for yourself, you had to put yourself back together piece by piece and I don’t want to come in and break you. You don’t deserve that.”

“I think it’s up to me what I deserve. From what you’ve told me about how you and Peggy got together I would’ve thought you would have learned that by now.” Steve opened his mouth before shutting it. Sam moved his hand from Steve’s own up to his cheek. He leaned into it willing his breath not to stutter. His arm tingled a bit but he was so fuzzy headed by just Sam’s touch that he barely noticed it.

“Steve, I have soulmates out there too who I haven’t met before but I know that in the now, right here, I’ve never felt like this about anyone before in my life. I’m not as much of an idiot as you, I know damn well not to waste an opportunity like this when it comes along.” Steve chuckled before looking into Sam’s eyes, Sam’s kind, warm brown eyes.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that if you want this you better kiss me and do it quick beca--” Sam didn’t get to finish because Steve wasted no time pressing his lips firmly to Sam’s. Sam squealed in surprise a little before he began to reciprocate the kiss. It was not at all like kissing Gabe or Peggy and Steve was grateful. Sam was pliant, he let Steve lead the kiss even though he was probably the more experienced party yet he gave as good as he got. At the same time Sam was strong and Steve knew that, Sam was oak and he held Steve up so subtly he hardly knew it sometimes but he always felt gratitude towards it, gratitude towards Sam. Sam wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck and pulled him closer and Steve felt his last bit of resolve, the last bit of control he had break loose. He had no more use for it now, now that he lost his chance with Peggy and Gabe, now that he couldn’t be with Maria at the moment. He had Sam now and that was enough.

He pushed Sam back onto the carpet below them, effortlessly pushing the coffee table over to give them more space. Steve could feel Sam’s legs part giving him space to fit between them. He pressed his pelvis against Sam’s relishing in the moan that vibrated from Sam’s throat straight to Steve’s chest. Sam pulled away slightly before he began unbutton his shirt. Steve took the opportunity to pull off his own shirt before helping Sam with his tank top. Sam wrapped his legs against Steve’s pulling him back to the kiss. Steve pulled his lips from Sam’s when he thought he might be getting short on air before he started trailing them down his neck, nipping at places like he remembered Peggy used to do. He ran his hands against Sam’s chest, relishing in the skin to skin contact. He looked down at his hands, a stark contrast to Sam’s darker skin when something caught his eye. He brushed his finger against the mark. It looked like an olive branch to Steve but it was lightly shaded, a lot lighter than Sam’s skin but just a shade off from Steve’s. Sam sighed when he noticed Steve’s fascination.

“I haven’t met them yet and I don’t care about that right now. It’s there but it feels more like decoration nowadays. I have you, that’s all I want.” Sam whispered to him, caressing his face with gentle brushes of his fingertips before leaning up and pulling Steve’s earlobe into his mouth. Steve moaned at the sensation, bringing his hands up and holding Sam’s arms as they held his face. He slid his hands down his arms, intending to go back to his exploration of Sam’s chest before Sam shivered violently. Sam pulled back looking at him with confusion, he was sure his gaze was a mirror image.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” Steve asked concerned, maybe he was too big to be on top of Sam like this.

“No, no you didn’t hurt me.” Sam said stopping Steve as he tried to move away from him.

“Then what’s wrong?”

“It’s just—well, I…”

“Sam?” Sam answered by holding his right forearm out to Steve, showing him a second mark. A very familiar mark: the outline of a bird in flight, a mark so familiar to him because Steve saw the identical one on his forearm every day. He was sure he about stopped breathing then.

“It reacted weird when you touched it. That’s never happened before.” Sam said with concern, looking down at the mark and brushing his finger against it. That better not be some cosmic sign that he was supposed to wait for his soulmate because fuck that, he wanted to be with Steve and he was going to damn well do it.

“I…I… fuck.” Sam looked up at Steve as he stared at the mark on his arm.

“It doesn’t mean anything to me Steve. Well it means something but it doesn’t change how I feel about you.” Sam said softly. Steve didn’t move for a long moment, still staring at the mark before he burst out laughing, laughing hysterically, a laugh bordering on madness.

“Steve?” Sam asked staring at him wide eyed. Steve stopped laughing as suddenly as he started, his face began turning from one of mirth to one of shock, complete and utter shock and some fear. Sam knew his next move before he even made it so he was able to grab Steve’s arm before he moved away from him.

“Steve, don’t leave please.” Sam tried to make sure his voice was steady and void of desperation because he was not desperate and he would not beg Steve.

“I’m not leaving, I just need a minute to… I just need a minute.” Sam stared at Steve doubtfully and Steve looked over at him before noticing the look.

“I’m not leaving, I’m going to the bathroom. I’m going to take a minute and take a breath and then I am coming right back. I will be back.” Steve looked down at Sam’s still doubtful eyes before leaning down and pressing a kiss to his lips, a promise that he would be back, then he stalked to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and turned on the fan in the room before releasing a heavy breath he hardly knew he was keeping.

Sam was his soulmate, Sam was the other soulmate. He wasn’t sure what to feel about it. With Peggy he hadn’t been sure she was his soulmate, he fell for her before he was ever sure but the mark certainly hadn’t hurt his feelings for her. He was already aware of Gabe and Maria’s status when he fell for them but with Sam the thought that he was his soulmate had never even passed his mind and he felt like an idiot now. Of course he was, Sam was everything he wanted in his life and everything he ever wanted to be. He was amazing and the fact that he was Steve’s soulmate both warmed him and scared him. What if Sam only fell for him because of the mark’s influence? Sam was awe-inspiring and the idea that he’d fall for someone like Steve was ridiculous. Steve felt himself breathing heavily as panic set in. What if Sam didn’t really have feelings for him but his feelings were forced upon him?

 _Dammit. Ma, Buck I could really use some help right about now._ He thought.

He took another moment to calm his breathing and just as he felt he might not pass out he jumped at his phone vibrating in his pocket. He sighed before pulling it out, Natasha’ phone number popping up on the screen. Natasha who pushed him towards Sam, had looked into Sam’s background and knew Steve and Maria were soulmates and said nothing so the idea that she could’ve known about Sam wasn’t so far-fetched. He angrily answered his phone.

“You knew, didn’t you? You knew Sam was soulmate and you said nothing about it. You let me fall knowing that someone like him deserves better and you said nothing about it. Do you ever stop lying? Do you ever stop running your own agenda? I cannot believe you did this to me again!” He ranted angrily. He was met with silence on the other end before an answer was given.

“Well, I was going to ask how it was going but I think that answers my question.” Steve faltered at the woman’s voice, it was not Natasha.

“Maria?” He asked, incredulously.

“Hey, Dorito.”

“Oh my god.” He rubbed his hand over his face. He was too emotionally drained for this, too tired for this.

“You’re back.”

“And you found soulmate #4, congratulations.” Steve chuckled humorlessly.

“Yeah, and I am currently in his bathroom hyperventilating about it.”

“And why the hell are you doing that?”

“Maria, he is so… good. He’s amazing, he’s cross-old-women-across-the-street amazing. He survived two tours and losing his team and he helps veterans get back in the world, he takes everything in stride and he bends over backwards if it makes someone else smile and I do _not_ deserve him. I don’t deserve him or you or any of this, I can’t even…”

“Don’t start throwing that word around, ‘deserve’. You start thinking about what everyone deserves and you’ll never be happy.”

“He has a second mark of an olive branch on his lower torso.”

“… well damn.”

“Yeah. My sentiments exactly.”

“Well, I’m not there Rogers. You are.”

“You should be. You should be here. You deserve him, you deserve the love that he has.”

“What’d I tell you about that word? Don’t worry about me, I’m working on myself and I’m getting it together. I’ll call you up when I’m ready, promise, but right now you need to get your ass out of that bathroom and go back to your guy and tell him what’s going on. Better not be planning another disappearing act.” Steve chuckled ruefully.

“No running, I swear. And he’s _our_ guy, even if he doesn’t know yet and you’re not ready.”

“I’ll be ready soon. For now you need to do me a favor and make sure he can’t walk for the next two days.” Steve chuckled with more amusement now.

“I missed you.”

“Yeah, something like that. And hey, you better soak up every bit of love that guy gives you because you've earned it. Don't go being an idiot and thinking you haven't.”

"I'll do my best, no promises."

"No more stalling, get your ass out the bathroom. I'll text you later." Steve shook his head as Maria hung up without saying goodbye. He looked at himself in the mirror. He looked older than he did when he was that scrawny man deathly afraid of being with Peggy for fear he wasn’t good enough, older than the man who bashfully bumped into Gabe in a hallway, even older than the man who couldn’t quite grip Bucky’s hand and watched him fall into a sea of white. He had lost so much and gained a lot more and it showed now in his eyes if not on his face, on the stretch of his skin. His skin covered in marks of love from the two dots on his back that signified Peggy’s love as the first true, romantic connection he’d ever really made, to the thick line on his thigh representing Gabe’s steadfastness in his love and the longevity of his care, the scarred cone representing Maria’s fear of love but her willingness to try one day and the bird representing the freedom of Sam’s love.

Steve wasn’t sure he deserved any of them, wasn’t sure he ever truly would but he loved them all, loved them with everything he could give. So with all the love he had filling him to bursting he opened the door and he walked out towards Sam, towards Maria too when she was ready to join them, towards his future.


End file.
